For those of you who know, and for those who don’t, I have been dealing with some major life changes within the last 6 weeks of returning home from the road trip. Finding my purpose again, trying to figure out where to live, and dealing with the D word, my life has been turned upside down. From walking Disney Parks with a smile on my face and my phone streaming the magic, I wake up with anxiety attacks which last the entire day. I start to feel normal, try to run, walk, and it all floods back and the anxiety is like a gorilla that sits on my chest. It doesn’t want to move, it doesn’t want to feel anything but pain, sadness, and grief. I can’t eat, but I sleep a lot….my body is most calm when I sleep and the dreams and thoughts of what “would be” seem to fade off more and more each day.
Oh, I have listened to the podcasts, read the self-help books, found a therapist, journaled and then some….and yet the pain remains. I have been dealing with this for a week now, and yesterday wound up in the Hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. You all know I am a happy person, I tend to be joyful and see the best in life. But yesterday was like a 1000 pound gorilla sat on my chest, and I couldn’t breathe. Scared, in shock, I went and got checked out. Thank God, my heart is ok, and that I was told I had a very severe anxiety attack. Then the Wellness clinic I headed to for an assessment so they could give me the best options to deal with it all. Outpatient program I can start in the middle of the month (no openings right now) but until then, Xanax has become my bestie along with a very high dosage of CBD oil.
Here’s the kicker, I was fine a month ago. I had a hold on this and was damn proud of how I was processing so much, and then I was promised another road which I got excited about, and then it was ripped away. So the wound that was on it’s way to healing was violently opened up and then left to bleed out. I know I am not the only one who must feel this type of anxiety, and frankly, it’s just uncomfortable to wear. I am not this person, I like to smile and sing in my car, not cry on the couch or scream in my pillow. I was happy, I was fine. I feel absolutely cheated out of who I was, a brain chemical that has somehow switched on that it overrides the rational side of what truly is.
I never knew it could be like this, convincing yourself to shower, to take another step, to get out of bed. I never knew that so many things could trigger the anxiety during the day, that it would be like a movie on repeat in your head so nothing else could be focused on. I have tried to shock myself out of it, something that would just jolt me out of this sadness. I went to “Hellsgate” Haunted House in the Chicago area, and the entire time, I didn’t blink. I walked through the haunted cemetery, woods, and then house, without blinking at the scare actors jumping out at me. I fit right in, I was the zombie they didn’t know they needed. I was hoping to get so scared from something that the real Amy would jump back into my body and I could move on with my life.
I am taking a trip with Kyra soon, a Mom and Daughter adventure, and I am hoping that will help a lot. Getting out of this area I have been grieving in and see my “constant” Kyra will help and just being able to love and focus on someone else should help. I ask for your prayers and good thoughts…this is very new territory for me and the pain is just a lot to bare. I know I should be thankful for what I have in my life, I do, and I thank EACH OF YOU who have reached out to pray, message, call, or just love on me. Sometimes these situations can make you feel like you are lost, alone, and when you are rocking on a couch and bawling, it feels hopeless and endless.
I share this with you today because I was encouraged to share an update and I have always tried to keep it as real as possible. We can share with others without oversharing, and yes, we don’t have to share at all. I feel talking about it will help someone else, that my pain and struggle may help someone else out there right now feel not so alone. As I posted on Facebook, “I’m not okay, but I will be.” To all of those dealing with anxiety for whatever reason- I see you, you are not alone, we will get through this.