Why Fear and Uncertainty Cannot Win

As I sit here this week in the great State of Texas, I have had a lot of time to think. And boy, can I over think. In between hospital runs, taking care of Mom, trying to stay healthy myself, I do find my mind wandering to my next chapters in life and I get so incredibly scared. I turn on the news, which I can only handle in small doses anymore, and I get mad and frustrated. I am sure I am not the only one, and I find myself second guessing my road trip and what lies ahead for me BECAUSE of that fear. What if something happens? Am I prepared to handle all of this? Am I allowed to move forward past this?

Right now, I don’t know what will happen past Monday, and I hope and pray for the best.  So my brain then goes to “What can I do now while I wait?”  I cleaned up Mom’s place, put things away outside, done pretty much what I can physically here, and so then I try to focus on my life and the adventure that is ahead.  And yes, then I feel bad. How can I plan for something fun for myself when my Mom and Bob are going through this? I know I have done everything I can, and I know my life has to keep moving forward, but it’s almost like this permission you have to give yourself to let go and move on. There is guilt in life’s pleasures when those around you are suffering, so do you suffer as well to envelop that empathy or do you celebrate that this chapter of darkness is not yours yet. You’d want someone to help you and support you through the hard times, but not to stop their life at the same time. It’s a really weird line to walk, a balancing act we find ourselves in when we least expect it. I lean into what I know is right and feels right, and then hope I GOT it right and that I DID it right.

I know Covid is out there, and I have been blessed thus far to have not gotten it. I can’t get the shot until I get home to Florida (so far), which I am happy to say my age group is up, so I hope to at least get that checked off upon returning home. But it worries me with it out there, on top of the mass shootings lately, I get this tinge in my tummy that what if I am putting myself somewhere that that could happen. But then reality wakes me up and says “It’s not changing any time soon, none of it. You have to go and keep living your life, fear cannot win.”  I hate that voice, I wish she would just go get a drink and leave me alone to my overthinking sometimes. LOL I do what I can to stay safe in any circumstance, and again, hope I did enough. It is so random and you hope it will never be you next, or someone you love, but we all know that it could be, and that fear just sits under the skin. I guess anything could happen to me on the road, it could happen to me today, I just hope and pray every day that today isn’t the day. I think we all do.

I am still planning, still going, pending what happens here next.  I have a couple of plans in place to help Mom and then it will be up to her and Bob what they do next. My routine is so messed up that I didn’t even realize how much I loved it until I didn’t have it anymore.  I am giving my all to this, but still trying to hold onto the parts of me that were excited to go on my big adventure in the first place.  I am basically planned through Montana at this point, with the reality and expectation that many plans will be made on the road. It is too much to book a year’s worth of hotel stays, and honestly, it’s more fun to do it in small bites. Hopefully once this chapter is done I can concentrate on the next.

Mom got her second dose yesterday for the vaccine, so I am happy she is now fully vaccinated. I have been masking up around everyone here as I am probably the lone duck standing.  But hey, it’s fun to feel so young here. LOL Once this is over, I will definitely share my experience of living in a Senior Community, it’s interesting! So I am off to take her to the Hospital again, I hope everyone has a good day and still hoping that surgery happens Monday.