I have never been one to back down from thinking big or dreaming big. I get an idea in my head, and it is there to stay. I will think about it, day in and day out, until it is achieved and then, and only then, does my brain say “next.” Now, I am sure you have all heard of people saying “I have a bunch of tabs open all at once inside my head”- yeah, I get that. For every day now, I get up with a purpose before my feet hit my new fuzzy carpet, and honestly it’s stressing me out.
I have so much to do before I hit the road on June 1st, and I wake up in a panic sometimes that I will never get it done. I don’t have nightmares much anymore, but I had a whopper of one last night. I dreamt I was having a huge garage sale at my home, and I came up with this brilliant idea to sell the stuff online as I was at my home (WOW that would be a disaster.) So when someone bought a pin at my sale, I would have to pull it offline so no one could buy it there, and vice versa. I woke up sweating from it, my heart rate through the roof. I just sat there…..my mind going blank. No buffering, just broken for a bit. I know it’s coming from preparations to sell a beloved Disney collection I have had for years now, but it HAS to be done, and I need the money for my trip. Still, I am stressed.
I have been working hard at trying to get at least one new blog post out a day that has some fun, adventure, or “life” in it… this one is clearly a “You sure you’re ok Amy?” Yes, I am fine. Or I will be. Every weekend I have been working on a large part of the brand and what is coming for this big trip of mine, or mission, once you see what I am about to do and why I am doing it, you’ll get it. Because I don’t just do a “road trip.” Oh no, this girl makes it about something. ALWAYS something bigger than myself and THAT I am excited to share with you once the time is right.
So not only selling hundreds, maybe into the thousands of items, but I am also planning a trip over a year or more oh AND write of quality every day AND get into the Parks as much as I can to spread the magic to you my friends, and my heart needs it as well. I have lists galore, notebooks filling up, ideas piling up in the hopper that I try to implement every day so they don’t back up. Geesh writing and reading this and my blood pressure starts to go up again- I assure you, I am fine. Did that sound convincing? Not to mention a pandemic which I hope to get my shots for before I leave, praying friends and family don’t get it now or while I am gone, mourning for friends whose family passed from it, ….. ok I need to breath.
I would love to tell you that I have super powers and one is the gift of confidence, but man I am lacking that in droves lately. I had an encounter with someone who told me of their hundreds of thousands of blog hits and I didn’t walk away happy for that person….I felt like crap. Here I have been working my tail off, writing the best I ever have in my career, and in one bubble of time I felt like my work was worthless because I didn’t have her numbers. Weird right? How one person can make us feel like we aren’t valuable? Or it’s the successful people in our lives who tout off their achievements, because of course they are proud of them, and they are at the finish line holding their piles of numbers, money, or fame and you are standing at the starting line holding a quarter. We are told that if we put the work in, our heart and soul into something, the people will follow, they will eventually find you. But have they?
My name is Amy, and I am stressed out. I do my best with what I have, every, damn, day. I am no where near perfect and I try to be better than I was the day before. I try to only compete with myself, but the voice of self doubt seems to scream louder than my Coke Zero can silence. I have been working on losing weight again, on top of all the rest, and find time for family things and friends. Friends…I swear Covid has made them disappear. No matter how much I reach out, silence is the return. I swear, I am ok.
Writing is cathardic for me, it is my bubble bath with classic music playing while I soak and smile. I thank you for letting me just vent for a bit, because I vowed that my writing would always be ME. I am not here to make others think I am one person, but really am another. I am just here to inspire someone, to empathize with someone, and to make sure that you know, you are not alone, we are hella stressed these days….even if it is for other reasons. Love you guys- have a good day.