The Need to be Liked

I was asked recently what my blog is about…and for once I had to honestly think about it. It started off as my family’s story of moving to the South for Disney dreams and warm weather. Then it turned into the day to day livings here, and now it’s a plethora of Florida life, my personal thoughts, and truly where adventure will, and has, taken me.

Today I had the most nagging feeling on the planet, and no, it wasn’t my migraine.  I couldn’t get this thought out of my head which was “Why do I have to be liked?”  I want to live my life SO BADLY void of any others perceptions of me and just do what I want to do.  Why do I care when so much of the time it seems like they don’t. Why do I give it my all and then feel like it’s never noticed and somehow that’s the measuring stick of my life. Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I have been searching for a long time now of finding a life of freedom where I didn’t care what other’s thoughts of me roamed. I have read books, quotes, articles online, prayed and meditated and it all comes back to the same thought… I need to be liked. And I HATE that. The gut wrenching feeling of someone hating me, loathing me, or trashing me is just unbearable. My soul literally feels like it’s being crushed. And yet I have some amazing friends in my life who, from my view, let the most gut-wrenching times in their lives literally slip off their backs. HOW????

I thrive on what people say and think because it gives me feedback on how I am doing as a human being. We can all kid ourselves that it doesn’t matter, it’s what “you think of you”, but who hasn’t beamed with joy from a “Good Morning Beautiful” or “You did a great job today.”  I thought maybe as I grew older that I wouldn’t give a damn what people thought of me, but I am scared to admit that I think it’s gotten worse.  With every wrinkle, with every sore joint, a love handle or two….it seems the compliments are few and far between and I feel more judged than ever.

I love writing because I can purge my thoughts in the hope someone out there is feeling the same thing. Maybe someone has pointers or advice about this “ailment” I have. I’ve had dreams of flipping my life drastically and just becoming a different Amy all together. Silly things like wearing nicer clothes, bigger home, cutting my hair super short, dying my hair red, getting a tattoo, you know…mid-life crisis stuff. And then I put my Disney shirt on, my boring shorts, my blonde hair into a pony tail, hat on and I am that for the day, every day. Maybe I just need to be hypnotized.

Who knows, life will show me the way.