Just Breathe

Again I found myself on the low end of life this week, and as I lay in that pit of despair, all I could think was “How did I get here?” I’d like to think I am a positive person most of the time, but as I read my own Facebook statuses, even I thought “Wow, I feel bad for her.”  I hate that feeling, the one that seems to live in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel like nothing is right.  HATE IT.  So here I am, turning to the blog again for a way of comforting the tears and allowing me to get my frustration out on paper.

After a stressful time of trying to FIND the right car, and the right deal, we decided on a 2009 Nissan Versa. We chose a smaller car for the great gas mileage, and we were sold on how smooth it drove.  We test drove other cars, and while we were out on John Young Parkway, we witnessed a car accident right in front of us. The jeep clipped the car in front of him, and I remember thinking “Oh, an accident would stink.”  WHEN am I going to learn to stop jinxing myself? GRRRR.  The traffic was SO BAD that we decided to test drive the rest on the lot, as there was plenty of room to feel them out.  We LOVED the Nissan and drove it home.

Life seemed to be looking up. I hung out with my great friend, Wendy, at Epcot, for some girl time that was MUCH needed. We ate egg rolls while Illuminations lit up China..it was a really neat moment.  Craig picked me up after the fun, and I showed off the new car- we were both beaming with pride, as if it was a new baby.  It represented months of frustration that were FINALLY over, and I went to bed finally feeling like that chapter was finally closed. What a fool I was.

The weekend was filled with opening our inside garage door, and just smiling at the car in the garage. Yes, we are those dorks who do that.  I got out during the morning and drove with the windows down and the music turned up… freedom never tasted so sweet. The weekend was filled with peace, just KNOWING we didn’t have to worry anymore lifted our entire family’s spirit. Spring Break was looking to be one of the best ever.

Monday came, and the kids wanted to swim. We had a great time, and I had just posted on FB that I hoped everyone was having a wonderful Monday.  We all piled into the car, and I decided that I would take a different route on Disney Property on where I was headed, and as I approached the ramp, the van ahead of me stopped suddenly.  The screaming by my girls I will never forget… it was horrible. First they screamed “Mom” and then just screamed in general while I rammed the back of the van.  We were all thrown forward, and thank God for seat belts. I made sure the kids were ok, and that the other driver was ok.  The other details I won’t be discussing until everything is finished, but just know, we were, and are, ok. Physically- mentally I have been struggling.

I moved here to be near the Disney magic, and what was just sick irony was that I had the accident on WDW Property. I felt ill, I felt stupid, and I felt hopeless. Why? Because we JUST BOUGHT the car- because the peace had JUST COME BACK, because I was FINALLY feeling better after losing my Grandmother last week… and because of me, we were back in that same place of insecurity. I was in such a stage of shock when everyone got to the scene that all I heard from everyone was the world slowing down. I didn’t feel pain, I just felt dark.  Too dramatic for you? Imagine you get in a car accident on vacation, and the support system that you have at home is thousands of miles away… that is how I have felt since Monday. There is no Mom here to hug me and tell me I will be ok, there is no best friend to lend me her car, and it is an empty place to be in.

Craig was wonderful, he got to the scene with help from a neighbor, and was my rock.  He took care of everything, and to him, I want to publicly say THANK YOU.  You are one amazing man, and you took care of your family so well- I don’t know what I would do without you.

It’s now day three since it happened, and I am still very sore. I found bruising on Emily from the seatbelt and it made me almost sick- MY stupidity caused that mark on her, and I am having a very hard time forgiving myself on this one.  I am more angry with the fact that when you have stretched everything to make it all work, and it seems that you pulled it off, and then THIS.  Yes, we are all ok, yes, I am happy no one got hurt, I know my blessings.  I hope I will get back to the place where I counted them, and can avoid the view of what is so incredibly messed up right now.

I want to thank those who have prayed for us, contacted us, and been there for us. They say you know who your real friends are in times of tragedy, and I couldn’t agree more with that statement. Again, thank you and I can only hope that life is going to eventually get better. Just breathe.

14 thoughts on “Just Breathe

  • Oh Amy, my heart is just breaking for you. As most who read this blog, we often have considered moving and have gone through those scenerios of being removed from friends and family. I am so happy the Lord protected you and the girls and I now pray that you will find the peace that you deserve. Hang in there Amy……………hugs!!!!

  • I hope you all can sense us holding your hand through this. Those of us who were online Monday weren’t able to breathe easy as we waited for any bit of news. We praised God that you and the girls were safe. Then we went directly to praying for the emotional healing. We are here for you as you’ve been there for us. Whatever you need, we will do our darndest to find a way to get it done.

  • Oh Amy, I just want to reach through the screen and hug you right now. I am in tears. I do not get to read all of your blog posts but I am always amazed by the ones God puts in my path. I know that feeling in your stomach you are talking about. In Oct 7 days after I moved to TX from WI A van stopped short in front of us and we ended up in a 4 car pileup with no support system, medical issues and without a vehicle for awhile. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry myself into oblivion. It may not seem like it but that feeling will go away faster than you think. You are a good person, and this was an ACCIDENT so please do not be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to be sad & vent in anyway you need to heal. Think of FB as Free therapy. It can and does happen to all of us. You are just brave enough to share it with the world 🙂

  • ((((Hugs))))

    Amy, sweetie, I am in tears while reading your blog! I had no idea the accident happened on property! That’s terrible!! However, it was an accident!! Please remember that!! You have been through so much in the past 2 weeks! I wish I lived closer to you instead of here in Chicago! I feel so helpless! I have been praying for you every day and thinking of you every day! I hope you been getting my texts the past couple days!!! If there is anything I can do, please let me know ok?!!? I can try to help in any way I can! I know it’s hard with no Mom around, but you do have some great friends near you and so many friends throughout the world that have all been praying for you and your family and who truly care for you! As DeeAnn said, we all were anxiously awaiting updates from you and were so happy when Diane and Eric posted what had happened and how you were doing and not anything serious damage to you or the girls! The car can be replaced/fixed…although I know from our talks how long this has taken! But just remember, things happen for a reason at a certain time, but you will get through it. You are a strong person and I know it’s a rough time right now, but “just keep swimming!” 🙂 Everything will get back to normal soon! I know not soon enough!

    ((hugs)) Love you all!!!

  • Oh, Amy. I’m so sorry to hear you feeling so badly about this. I know that eventually you will find the ability to put this all behind you, but I can imagine how very frustrating, disappointing and hard this is on you. This, too, shall pass, my friend. You are one of the most positive people I have every met, so I’m sure it will only be a short time before you are back to feeling like your usual self. And, things have a way of working out when you need them to, so try to be hopeful about how everything will soon clear up. We are sending our love and prayers and hope to see you next week to give you that much needed hug! xo

  • Awww, Amy, so sorry you ate going through this. I can relate 100%. I had an accident back in Sept. My 3 girls were in the car with me. I pulled out from a stop sign at night misjudging the distance of an young man coming toward us on his moped. I slammed on the brake and he hit his brakes hard. The sudden stop of his brakes threw him forward off the moped. I can still hear myself my girls screaming and yelling “No!” as we watched on horror as the young man flew off the bike. I wax waiting to feel the impact but by a miracle he missed the car and landed in front of us on the road. It was surreal as I got out of the car and ran to him. Others were stopping to help and emergency responders came. Luckily he only ended up breaking his shoulder. It could have been so much worse. God was with us and that young man and He is with you too. We also live in a different state from out family, so I get that too. Time heals. Know that you are cared about and being lifted I’m prayer.

  • Amy, all I can say is glad you’re all ok. And thinking about you. Thank God you were all wearing seat belts. You are a strong person. All of us here want to give you a hug and comfort you. You have a lot of friends here. I enjoy reading the support they all show you. That must make you feel good.

  • Amy, you have no idea how over and over again I’ve lived endless downs and episodes like this…alone…no support…in Florida…one thing after another. I identify with your feelings more than you can possibly know. My prayers for you.

  • Amy, I’m so sorry to hear about your accident. I’m so glad you are all okay. It sounds like I miss a lot by not being on facebook. I’m glad you chose to post what happened here too. I’m sending you happy thoughts, love & prayers. You will get through this..You are such a strong and positive person!! Faith, Trust & Pixie Dust!

  • Amy – In all things we are to give thanks! So I am choosing to be thankful for you until you can be also! Thankful that no one was hurt badly! Thankful that Craig was able to come and take charge! Thankful that you all were wearing your seat belts – a lesson well learned by the girls! And thankful you had a good car to protect you! Now you need to forgive yourself and realize that in this world accidents happen! You did not do this on purpose. Sending you great big hugs for everyone and thanking Jesus for protecting you!

  • A car accident is an awful thing to have to go through, but I must insist you stop saying it was your stupidity that caused Emily to have bruising from the seatbellt…..look at the bigger picture, Amy – if you and Craig had not used your common sense in teaching the girls to wear their seatbelts on car journeys then it might have been a whole lot worse than bruising you would have to be dealing with right now. It is down to you and Craig, and your good parenting, that you, Kyra and Emily all survived the crash with only slight injuries.
    Wish I lived closer so I could hug you all right now, but you are in my thoughts and prayers constantly ……..oh and please tell Emily that Tom sends his love and he can’t wait to see her in September.

  • Amy-I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandma passing and the accident. I too, like Jennifer from Ohio, miss a lot by not being on facebook! I’m sooo glad to hear you and the girls are OK. Just remember it was an accident and it was not your fault. You’re all good people, and you will get through this and you’ll be stronger than ever. Stay strong and I’ll be praying for you.

  • My heart breaks for you. I’ve been a casual reader, but I felt compelled to comment and send some positive thoughts your way.

    Last June, my mom passed away very suddenly (she was only 54). We had a WDW vacation booked for over a year, and the rest of my family decided to move forward with the vacation in August 2011. The vacation was wonderful, my grandma and aunt drove home, and after being delayed because of the hurricane in Boston, my sister went home ahead of me.

    Then, what I thought was a heat rash turned into a terrible leg infection. I was admitted to Celebration Hospital, and I literally had NO ONE there to be with me. I was scared, depressed, and more than ever – missing my mom. It felt just about as low as I could possibly get. I clung to that trip, as if it would somehow ease the pain of losing my mother so suddenly. And what did I get instead? An illness and a hospital stay that I had to face alone.

    But, I got back and after more doctors and medicines, I healed. My heart slowly healed (although it will never fully heal) from the loss of my mother, my best friend. And I turned that horrible time into inspiration. I left my full-time job to pursue my dream of becoming a freelance writer (I’m doing well and almost to my monthly goals!). And in late August, I am fulfilling another dream that I shared with my mom – I am relocating to Orlando.

    You’ve accomplished so much, it can feel hard to pull out of the grief you have over your grandmother, and the pain and anguish caused by the accident. But this too shall pass, and when it does you will emerge stronger. Hang in there, and best wishes to you and your family.