Again I found myself on the low end of life this week, and as I lay in that pit of despair, all I could think was “How did I get here?” I’d like to think I am a positive person most of the time, but as I read my own Facebook statuses, even I thought “Wow, I feel bad for her.” I hate that feeling, the one that seems to live in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel like nothing is right. HATE IT. So here I am, turning to the blog again for a way of comforting the tears and allowing me to get my frustration out on paper.
After a stressful time of trying to FIND the right car, and the right deal, we decided on a 2009 Nissan Versa. We chose a smaller car for the great gas mileage, and we were sold on how smooth it drove. We test drove other cars, and while we were out on John Young Parkway, we witnessed a car accident right in front of us. The jeep clipped the car in front of him, and I remember thinking “Oh, an accident would stink.” WHEN am I going to learn to stop jinxing myself? GRRRR. The traffic was SO BAD that we decided to test drive the rest on the lot, as there was plenty of room to feel them out. We LOVED the Nissan and drove it home.
Life seemed to be looking up. I hung out with my great friend, Wendy, at Epcot, for some girl time that was MUCH needed. We ate egg rolls while Illuminations lit up China..it was a really neat moment. Craig picked me up after the fun, and I showed off the new car- we were both beaming with pride, as if it was a new baby. It represented months of frustration that were FINALLY over, and I went to bed finally feeling like that chapter was finally closed. What a fool I was.
The weekend was filled with opening our inside garage door, and just smiling at the car in the garage. Yes, we are those dorks who do that. I got out during the morning and drove with the windows down and the music turned up… freedom never tasted so sweet. The weekend was filled with peace, just KNOWING we didn’t have to worry anymore lifted our entire family’s spirit. Spring Break was looking to be one of the best ever.
Monday came, and the kids wanted to swim. We had a great time, and I had just posted on FB that I hoped everyone was having a wonderful Monday. We all piled into the car, and I decided that I would take a different route on Disney Property on where I was headed, and as I approached the ramp, the van ahead of me stopped suddenly. The screaming by my girls I will never forget… it was horrible. First they screamed “Mom” and then just screamed in general while I rammed the back of the van. We were all thrown forward, and thank God for seat belts. I made sure the kids were ok, and that the other driver was ok. The other details I won’t be discussing until everything is finished, but just know, we were, and are, ok. Physically- mentally I have been struggling.
I moved here to be near the Disney magic, and what was just sick irony was that I had the accident on WDW Property. I felt ill, I felt stupid, and I felt hopeless. Why? Because we JUST BOUGHT the car- because the peace had JUST COME BACK, because I was FINALLY feeling better after losing my Grandmother last week… and because of me, we were back in that same place of insecurity. I was in such a stage of shock when everyone got to the scene that all I heard from everyone was the world slowing down. I didn’t feel pain, I just felt dark. Too dramatic for you? Imagine you get in a car accident on vacation, and the support system that you have at home is thousands of miles away… that is how I have felt since Monday. There is no Mom here to hug me and tell me I will be ok, there is no best friend to lend me her car, and it is an empty place to be in.
Craig was wonderful, he got to the scene with help from a neighbor, and was my rock. He took care of everything, and to him, I want to publicly say THANK YOU. You are one amazing man, and you took care of your family so well- I don’t know what I would do without you.
It’s now day three since it happened, and I am still very sore. I found bruising on Emily from the seatbelt and it made me almost sick- MY stupidity caused that mark on her, and I am having a very hard time forgiving myself on this one. I am more angry with the fact that when you have stretched everything to make it all work, and it seems that you pulled it off, and then THIS. Yes, we are all ok, yes, I am happy no one got hurt, I know my blessings. I hope I will get back to the place where I counted them, and can avoid the view of what is so incredibly messed up right now.
I want to thank those who have prayed for us, contacted us, and been there for us. They say you know who your real friends are in times of tragedy, and I couldn’t agree more with that statement. Again, thank you and I can only hope that life is going to eventually get better. Just breathe.