I wake up some days, and I feel like something is off. I feel like I woke up in someone else’s home, and that I borrowed their bed to sleep in for the night. Then there are some days I wake up and I can’t believe I live here, and I can’t wait to start my day. I would ask what is wrong with me, but because some of you may actually tell me the answer to that, I just try to get used to it all.
I am trying to find my purpose right now, and that has been a bit of a challenge. I worked almost a full-time job for the last 5 years, and before that I was a full-time at home Mom. Since January I have been prepping for this move, so I have had a main goal and purpose for the last 6 months. Now here, living the dream, I feel almost guilty walking into a Disney Park with no real purpose but to enjoy. Craig has gone back to full-time since the move, so I try to keep the kids out of the house so he can have some quiet while he works. I am doing my best, but some days, it is just cheaper to stay home and swim. I love this blog, I love everything about it. I love being able to meet up with new people, and make connections that I would have normally never had the chance to. I love that I have inspired some of you to follow your dreams- it is SUCH an honor when someone says that. I feel I have some purpose being able to bring you fun things we have discovered here in FL, and share with you our Disney days. But again, I am trying hard to adapt to it all.
Maybe I am trying to avoid the fear I have that this won’t go on forever, that it may all just eventually end. I have had that in my past, where you have that moment of “This is too good to be true, this can’t be real” and I get that a lot here. I have yet to still grasp that we are indeed here- because of the lack of things and such in our home, sometimes Craig feels it has the “feel” of a vacation rental. Like we are just passing through, even though we know we aren’t. Am I just paranoid? Is God telling me something that I am just not listening to? I have no idea. Relocation can bring on MANY insecurities that you had no idea you even had inside you.
I am trying to get used to leaving our home without stressing out. I really am not fond of 192, only because the traffic lights seem to be red FOREVER. I am learning that I would rather pay the quarter on the tollway then deal with the business and lights of other main roads. On top of that, our van is STILL giving us problems. It will be great for a couple of weeks, and it started to actually SHAKE on Craig today while he was running an errand at lunch. We can never get it to do it for someone looking to fix it, so I am stressing out a bit about that. Believe it or not, I can find WDW so quickly and easily, that it is almost comforting at this point because I know what I am doing there. When I am in WDW, I feel like I am home and that everything is ok. Its actually after I leave property and have to find my way home among the craziness of traffic that I’m not used to, yet. I know, I have only been here 3 weeks, it will all come in time, but these moments of fear really get to me.
I sometimes ask myself “What would you be doing in WI right now if you were there?” and honestly, the answer would probably be “nothing.” During the summer, I would swim with the girls, go to Bristol Renn Faire, hang out with my parents, and just chill out. Being here seems like an endless Disney vacation, which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a very different thing.
I find that I want to spend more money here than I ever wanted to in WI- when you don’t have the ease of buying it because it’s “Out of sight, out of mind” it’s easier to hold onto your money. But attending the Parks every other day, especially the kids, are tempted to want and want when we go to visit. They have the same allowance they had when we lived in WI, so they have had to learn to budget it for what they truly want to buy. Occasionally I will pony up money for something unique and special, but when you can buy a case of Coke or Water in the store for what they charge for one bottle in the Parks, that part has gotten much easier. When we are in WDW, we FEEL like we are on vacation. When you feel like that, you also feel like you should have the vacation money to go with it- but we don’t. We have the “Living on a Budget” money and have to live within our means to enjoy the house we have in the state we wanted to live in.
I won’t lie to you, I have had those moments of “What was I thinking?” and then one of you sends a kind comment, or a meet and greet appears out of nowhere, or my husband hugs me and lets me know it will be ok. I know, why should I be comforted, when this was our dream? I can’t say this enough, NOTHING comes without a price. Nothing comes without sacrifice and hard work, nor the sharp edge of reality. There are things I DO miss about WI, but because they were of the safe and comfort nature. I am happy to have so much to do here and I am never bored, but I do miss the small things like running to the store I knew so well up the street, or the Mall that I could run in and know where everything was. I miss running to Bath and Body for my lotions, or even the gas station because it was familiar to me. Here, everything is unfamiliar and, at times, can just be nerve wracking.
My hope, is that with time, this all gets easier. I want to get the kids in their schools and for them to be happy about it, and for Emily to not be teased because of her eye. Summer is easy in a sense because I get to protect them both before the really hard stuff starts, and I want NOTHING but for them to be OK. If my dream, our dream, hurts them in any way in the educational department, I will truly feel like I have failed them, and I just can’t let that happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy we did this. I haven’t lived in a home in years, and I am happy that my family has been blessed with many new things, places, and people. I just feel like I am truly Dorothy in the land of Oz right now, but there is no going back to Kansas anymore. Oz is home now, and I am happy it is, I just wish I could get used to it a lot faster than I am. If I have learned anything in this Relocation so far, is that every day is filled with a different road, person, and experience. I am trying to dance on the Yellow Brick Road as much as I can, and even when I stumble, I know I have a lot of support to keep moving forward with. As Dorothy sings “If happy little bluebirds fly, why oh why can’t I?”